The minutes seem like hours when faced with finals this week. Though I try to maintain some sort of equilibrium through it all....I am always on my knees begging for mercy. With everything on my plate right now...hoping that those that rely on me will be watched over and protected while I am so far from home...I tend to want to pull out my superhero card and make the many sacrifices even I don't notice I succeed in on the day to day level bare some weight at this moment. Being tested for my intelligence level during finals makes me want to scream at times. Possibly this is the main reason I put off finishing my degree for so long. What I have been faced with is this untold concept of a woman's duty...as mother, as wife, as friend. A book I read a long time ago titled Slaying the Mermaid...Women and the Culture of Sacrifice...brought up some issues for me when I used it as a reference in an essay I wrote recently. Author Stephanie Golden states, “Women’s propensity for excessive self-sacrifice is so well known it’s a cliché, a staple of magazine articles and self-help books. We’re so used to it that we take for granted much behavior which, viewed from a normal perspective (that is, try to imagine a man doing it), appears morbid.”

This is an issue that I have been struggling with greatly in the middle of the night...leaving my family to embark on a quest I put on hold when I became aware that I was one of those statistics of becoming a teenage mother. As stated before...I am so far from perfect...but despite the trials and tribulations I have experienced...the glue that has held together my desire to live a good life has always been my children. And then...I was also blessed with three "step-children" who have always felt like my flesh and blood. I have to say the one drawback with being a "step-mom" is that you aren't gifted the opportunity to prove yourself worthy of that connection. There is always that label above you...and mostly- at least in our era...that role is not considered significant enough to allow you the opportunity to just be. So I fret...I worry...I continually doubt myself. Yet the promise of becoming a better person through all of it makes this quest a mandatory element to not just my own self-growth...but to truly allow the inspiration that I will feel to positively enhance the people I hold most dear. I hope they remember that when they are frustrated with my absence. I hope that they too will grow from this and that I come back a better human being than I ever thought was possible. Connecting with one's cultural roots is an essential part of understanding our full potential. This prayer I carry in my heart tonight...and hope that everyone finds their personal strength to make their own dreams a reality.
P