Five weeks, four days, nineteen hours, five minutes

Time is an illusion. This I know. In less than six weeks I will embark on the biggest journey of my life. Living in the Rogue Valley these last twenty years has both grounded me, yet stifled my growth. I am ready for something bigger- something beyond my comfort zone- something that will stretch me in a way this valley no longer can. I have my fears- I have many doubts. What I do realize is there is no other moment but now to embrace this life that I have been given. I received a scholarship which paid for the majority of my expenses. And though I question god at times (no offense if you are really there)....what I have realized over these last few weeks is that something beyond my understanding- bigger than I can ever comprehend- wants me to go. I awake during the night sometimes and wonder if I feel this way because I will never return. Those moments....I know you all have them....when you realize your mortality and wonder why you have survived for so long. Though I doubt, though I question why I am doing this, though my concern for my children and my husband at times outweighs my independent nature, I know if there is a God- He/She/It/They want me to go. They are pushing me to do this. Even my own blessed mother, who gave life to me, supports this decision- and she is usually very conservative when it comes to adventure. The conversations I have been having with my sweet little Italian mama these last few weeks has....for the first time in my entire life- been urging me to step outside of my box, and see the world like I never have before. What I have realized is that my preconceived notions of my mother are completely false. She has the spirit of adventure in her. She has traveled to Europe many times despite what her family advised her to do. She followed her heart and found that part of her that was missing. I remember my nanna- Italian in every sense of the word- tried to teach me to proud of my heritage. I am only beginning to feel connected to my Italian side....always felt more drawn to my father's Irish roots. But...despite my issues with my mother's family that I was exposed to....I deeply love my mother and want to embrace the warrior/amazon that she is. She is a beautiful woman with more strength than her children could ever be aware of. She holds within her the DNA that I come from and I feel an obligation to understand that while she is still on this planet. I lost my beloved father many years ago, before I got the chance to ask him stories and facts about my ancestors. Now....I live through my blessed Mama....and hope to come back with a small amount of what she has given me throughout the years. This journey ahead of me has shown me so much about how incredibly awesome my ancestors were.Unlike my grandparents, I am crossing the Atlantic with an assured destination. They had no idea what or where they were headed to. This journey I am about to embark on is in dedication to them- Irish and Italian. But mostly I dedicate this vision quest to my mother- for giving me life and for excepting me for who I am. The older I get, the more I realize how dynamic my parents were/are. This is for you Mama! Thank you for giving me life, courage, and support....though I know my free will has tormented you. You are a strong woman in every sense of the word.
P