One more day in the Rogue Valley...

As each day passes now...I see what my life really means to not only myself...but to those that need me. Emotions are on high gear with friends & family...and of course I feel responsible for them as I spend my final days here with them. I haven't written on here for weeks...and this is mostly the reason. why. For me to leave on this journey I need to feel that every one I care about will be okay...even my birds who seem to sense this upcoming absence. I have one more day in the Rogue Valley before I leave. I don't want to spend that day running around, paying bills, waisting precious moments. I want to breathe in the clean air, sit by the creak below my house,....and take in the gratitude that I feel for living the good life. Yesterday was my birthday. As usual, I reflected on all of the joy that I have in my life, and all that is to come. I wrote in my journal for hours....hung out with my beloved daughter Sequoia all day....spent time with my husband, my best friend Nikki, and my Rhiannon, Henry, & Liam. There was a strong sense that I was leaving....almost as if a part of me was actually dying, which it is. But what I felt & have been feeling most is that the prospect of my departure has actually brought me closer to home. I am blessed with people that truly love me despite my imperfections. I will take these goodbye hugs with me....the "I don't know what I will do without you" sayings, the warm & thoughtful cards, emails, and phone calls with me....my community and life is here in this valley. I don't know if I would ever feel comfort in being so far away from here unless I knew that I have the greatest place to call home. Thank you Oregon....thank you friends....thank you my circle of beloved best of friends...thank you my sweet animal companions...one of which is trying to type on my keyboard at the moment.....but most especially I thank Marko- the father of my children and the best co-parent and longest friend I have. Thank you Sequoia & Rhiannon for being so happy & understanding of this need for my adventure. Thank you my husband who I know is having a hard time thinking of life without his crazy wife for almost three months. To my mother ....  who continues to offer advice and support. And also to my higher self. The one within who knows what I need & carries me through. And of course to my ancestors who want me to know them & their homeland. I will come back a better human being....this I know. I won't forget any of you...and I know you won't forget me. Blessings....until we meet again.....
Paddy

Oh....September

     The sun shines a bit differently when I turn the calender page to September each year. I love the sound of the word when I say it out loud...or in my stream of consciousness. When I was a little girl...I always wanted my name to be September. This is the month that I am at home within myself. I find a renewed sense of hope and tranquility that seems to escape my yearning spirit throughout the year. True...I was born in the month of September...and perhaps most people feel these feelings near their birthday....but I am not most people...and I can only express my own heart song in this life. When all the neighborhood kids would tease me as a child about being born in the month that the dreaded days of school began...inside, I found myself singing with the magic of the autumn season approaching.Since I have been journaling since the age of seven, I can turn back the pages of my life and find the same words written on the first day of September that I have ever recorded. It always starts with one triumphant word....maybe not a word at all....but the whisper of a sigh...I have made it around the sun one more time. My journey each year through this life walk continues to amaze me. And as the weeks before the day of my birth approaches...I always reflect on what I have done, what I have learned, and where it is that I am going. This is my final year in my thirties. The year my youngest daughter, starts high school...the year my oldest will be twenty...the year my oldest step-son makes preparations for college...and my little Liam will be in high school too. It's hard to imagine how fast life really does go by when you are a new mom...and your elders tell you...as my mama did...."savor every moment because before you know it, they will be grown". She was so right. I had the privilege of becoming a mother when I was but a child myself. In this...I have grown along with them.  But this year....this year....their is a personal voyage I must take. Every moment in my life thus far has led me to this new year. As I prepare to leave behind the only things that have ever really mattered to me...my children, my husband, my dear friends, and my home...I set out on a path of my own for the first time since I left NYC. As I take the next step on the path before me...I cannot help but look back and see all the wonderful things the Creator has gifted me with. My life is full and complete. I have just finished my first year back in college...something I put off for decades because I didn't want to miss any more moments than I had to of my children's childhood. I am embarking on a journey to the homeland of my ancestors...ready to embrace the unknown and find that missing piece of my lineage. Something has been awakened within me in this last year. A desire so strong... to become all that I was meant to be and more. An authentic need to shed the prison cell I have at times created within my mind...the bars that have held me back....the voices that told me I could never fulfill my dreams...the ghosts of my past that have haunted me...and at times still succeed. Although I have reached this ripe old age...I am still that adventurous little girl who hungered for so much more. The girl who worried her parents sick when she put on a back-pack at 14 and said goodbye. The girl who at times, endangered her own life living in those squalid places of NYC...the girl who bought a plane ticket at 16 and flew to San Fransisco without knowing a soul there...the girl who rode the Greyhound bus across the country twice at 17...the girl who moved to a little tiny town at 18 and became pregnant with her beloved child with her first love. She stabilized  her gypsy nature...not a suppression of will....but a desire to give her children a grounded life. Well...she has awakened...she once again, despite her worries and doubts...puts that first foot forward to reclaim that sense of her individuality once again. What she will bring home with her is that spirit of autonomy that she so desires her children to grasp. Life is painfully short. What other reason are we here for other than to celebrate, love, and enjoy and honor our beating hearts. This is the year of the dream...living the good life....and following our passions. Never knowing how much time we have left...no matter how old you are...how young you are...you never know when your day will come to depart. To quote one of my favorite bands...."When the angel of death comes looking for me....hear the angels sing....I hope I was every thing I was suppose to be..." Here's to life...and a merry month of September to all!